I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
