You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Barsexuality is the new black.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
