I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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