So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
