i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
not ubering you a puppy
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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