we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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