I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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