dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize