I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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