does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
