how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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