Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
