I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize