How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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