Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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