he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
