i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We need to get me chipped asap
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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