I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
