im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
