Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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