i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
