I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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