I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
