you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
