If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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