Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
