i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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