there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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