4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We had sex on a dog bed..
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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