We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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