I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
