I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
