This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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