just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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