twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
