Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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