If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
