it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
