Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
