Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
