I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
