I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
