when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i black out too much to be "responsible"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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