my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
