I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
