Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
