So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Ladies don't puke and tell
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
