I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
