.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
