i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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