i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
