Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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